Category Archives: Marriage

Are You Willing To Forgive?

24 Tuesday Aug 2021

Posted by in Challenge, Christian Habits, Marriage

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Even in the most perfect of relationships, there are going to be conflicts. You’re never going to agree on everything with someone, even if they are your best friend. My wife, Janie, doesn’t like country music. THAT represents a major sin in her life! And … I forgive her for that. There are a thousand things we have to compromise on in our marriages and in our relationships with others. But one thing that we should never compromise is our willingness to forgive one another. 

Last Sunday, in our Relationship Rehab series we talked about the importance of practicing forgiveness. Notice I said “practicing.” It takes practicing forgiveness to be a good forgiver!

For the last few weeks, we’ve discussed Affair-Proofing Our Marriages, 3 Questions For Every Marriage, How To Get Them To Listen, Being a Single Christian, and more.

While marriage is the primary school to learn unselfishness, we know that all relationships require forgiveness. Proverbs 18:1 says it like this, “People who do not get along with others are only interested in themselves.” When a relationship lacks forgiveness, there is an issue of selfishness that needs to be addressed. I want you to rate yourself on a scale of one to ten, one being needs work and ten being you quickly and willingly forgive. 

If you always have to get your way, you’re destroying your relationships with others. Mark 3:25 tells us that these types of relationships are bound to fall apart. We have to learn to give in. It can’t be my way or the highway all the time. If you’re currently struggling in a relationship with a friend or loved one, I want to encourage you to forgive them. I don’t need to know your exact situation to know that withholding forgiveness is hurting you. We forget that forgiving others is FOR us. 

The scenario is similar every time. We get angry about what someone did to us and we let it build up. If not dealt with anger turns to bitterness and bitterness leads to apathy which always leads to a lack of consideration. And you guessed it … lack of consideration reveals an unwillingness to forgive.

How’s Your Forgiving Going? 

There needs to be boatloads of forgiveness in your relationships. You are imperfect. Your spouse, co-worker, friend, neighbor, siblings, fellow drivers, or whomever you are at odds with … is imperfect. I’ve heard some incredibly hurtful situations and I don’t doubt that this may be difficult for you … but … “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13). Even Jesus said that if you cannot forgive others, God isn’t going to forgive you. 
As we conclude our Relationship Rehab Series, I want to leave you with this verse of encouragement that is my prayer for you, “May God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us … “ Romans 15:5 (MSG). I pray that you ask yourself today if you’re willing to forgive “that someone,” as Christ forgave you. 

Emotional & Physical Affairs

27 Tuesday Jul 2021

Posted by in Marriage

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There’s no way around it; affairs are a tough topic. As we continue through our Relationship Rehab series I want to make sure I address the difficult road of both emotional and physical affairs. But first, let me give you an illustration of what an affair looks like:

We’ve all seen those construction signs on the freeway that read “Wrong Way Do Not Enter.” GPS might be telling you this is your exit, but if you see that sign, you know you’re going to have to be rerouted. And we’re thankful for these signs! Without them, we’d drive right into a danger zone. I happen to know someone who neglected the wrong way signs on the freeway and was actually driving against traffic on the 94. What’s interesting about this situation, is that this person was actually able to drive several miles on the wrong side of the road without a problem. Yet, this is the perfect illustration of what an affair looks like when you haven’t been found out yet. You’re coasting … but ultimately, this person ended in a head-on collision that resulted in near-death for the other driver.

If you’re involved in an affair, it isn’t a matter of if you’ll experience a head-on collision, it’s actually a matter of when.

 And if you’re someone who looks at the Bible like a set of rules, you’re looking at the Bible all wrong. God is no killjoy. He invented sex! He also created parameters so we can get the most fulfillment in our marriages. We need water to survive and thrive, but too much water and you’ll drown. Fire is good for many different uses, but too much fire and you get burned…. 

Same thing when it comes to sex. Sex under godly parameters is the pinnacle of the sexual experience. Have an affair, and everyone involved will get hurt. And, the reality is, the Bible is clear, you can choose your sin but you can’t choose your consequences. You can look at the Do Not Enter signs like a rule, or like a safeguard. Either way, God loves us enough to offer us the perfect protection plan. It’s better than any insurance out there AND it’s free. While that may seem too good to be true, I can assure you that not only is it true, but an affair will ALWAYS cost you more than you’re ever able to pay.

Emotional Affair

After 23 years of full-time ministry, I’ve counseled countless marriages, heard ALL the excuses, and seen a tremendous amount of pain. I want to reiterate, that these messages are not to bring up the past but to prevent us from falling into the trap of unhealthy relationships. If you’ve had an affair and you’ve genuinely repented and asked God and your spouse for forgiveness … God has forgiven and forgotten it. You need to do that too! If you’re still feeling guilty, that is not God making you feel guilty, that is the devil trying to remind you of your past. It’s one of the ways he tries to keep you in bondage and in pain.

Let’s talk about an emotional affair for a moment. So often, Christians camp in an emotional affair because they fool themselves into believing that “nothing physical” is going on so there’s no problem. But the truth is, we fall for what we flirt with. James 1:14-15 says it like this, “Temptation is the pull of a person’s own evil thoughts and wishes. These evil thoughts lead to evil actions and afterwards to death.” Non-believers typically go right to the physical once the emotional connection occurs. But for Christians, we fool ourselves into believing that we’re “not doing anything wrong because we’re not doing anything physical.”

One time, a woman shared with me about a co-worker that she shared EVERYTHING with. Told him all her problems and the troubles in her marriage. He was so kind and easy to talk to and really empathized with her. But she insisted that things were not physical and if he ever attempted to do anything, she would end the “friendship.” I had to let her know … she was in an emotional affair. If you’re seeking comfort, affirmation, connection, or any sort of emotional fulfillment with someone other than your spouse, you’re in an emotional affair.

It’s especially hard these days because everything has sexual innuendo. Sex sells everything from cars to fruit salad. PG used to be safe. Now it stands for pretty gross. And that picture you just liked on social media, you know guys, the one where she’s pointing to how much she loves the coffee she’s holding, but she’s showing much more than the coffee, that’s flirting with temptation. If you’re constantly looking at garbage, it’s not the harmless little fantasy you think it is. 

Physical Affair

It’s easier to get married than stay married. This is why God has made it abundantly clear that the parameters of sex are between one man and one woman. ONE. We have to acknowledge that the path to an affair starts in the mind. That’s why Jesus said, “If a man looks lustfully at a woman, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” And once you cross that line from mental to physical, the attraction, passion, and lust are so powerful, it takes ten times the effort to break it off (more effort than it would have taken for you to work on your marriage). If you have unmet needs, unresolved conflict, unfulfilled expectations, selfishness, undeveloped self-worth, are lacking communication or maturity … any one of these can be a trigger toward an affair. That’s why you need safeguards to help you affair-proof your marriage!

There is no amount of rationalization that is going to give you a pass on committing adultery. In fact, reasoning with your sin is only going to ramp up the pain you’re causing. 1 Corinthians warns us to, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” We’re so good at deceiving ourselves and letting the devil deceive us. We convince ourselves that it’s okay given the circumstances.

Here are just a few of the excuses that I’ve heard …
 “If only my husband/wife met my needs, I wouldn’t be doing this.”
 “Just one more time.”
 “But we love each other.”
 “God will forgive.”

Listen to me … God forgives genuine repentance. He does not forgive anticipatory sin. God is not a fool. You may be fooling yourself but you’re not going to fool God. Jeremiah 17:9 reveals the condition of our hearts when it says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. No one can understand how deceitful it is.” Adultery is not love. Love does not break up a family. 

Affair-Proof

Nothing destroys a family faster than adultery. Adultery is a trap (Proverbs 22:14). If you’re currently on the road to OR already living out an affair, I want to encourage you to genuinely examine your heart and repent. The road you are on is an illusion of what God truly has for you and will only lead to pain. You may be cruising down the 94 affair freeway without an issue, but you can be sure, the collision is coming. Seek prayer from others so that you will have the strength to stand against the enemy, for this battle is more than just flesh and blood (Ephesians 6), but a plan from the enemy to destroy your marriage. Redemption is possible! I’ve counseled dozens of couples over the years that have overcome the pain and destruction of an affair and are now living proof that redemption is possible.

Affairs are a tough topic. But I have to make sure that we address the tough topics in the Bible, not just part of the Bible. This Sunday, I’m going to give more safeguards that will help you protect your marriage. We will also talk about the pathway back when an affair has occurred.

When you look at establishing cities in the Old Testament, they would build up walls around the city. These walls would be inspected for cracks and holes to prevent any sort of breach from their enemies. We need to build up walls around our marriage to protect it and honor it. As we do the work (almost every message in this series I’ve given you some sort of homework) we will see the joy and fulfillment in our marriages that God intended.

Join us on our Skyline Church YouTube Channel or at SkylineChurch.org to participate in LIVE service and ask for prayer online. 

Three Questions for Every Marriage

14 Wednesday Jul 2021

Posted by in Challenge, Christian Habits, Marriage

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Since the anticipation of and the day of your wedding gave you some of the highest expectations you’ve ever had in your life … like, “Woo hoo … I’m getting married, my life is going to be perfect … this is the moment I’ve been waiting for …”  

The expectations we put on that day and the days and years after set us up for the greatest potential of disappointment in our lives. We set the highest and most unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our spouses. 

Why do marriages go south? Let’s talk about some habits that tend to lead to divorce. These are unhealthy habits that put you on the road to the big D and I don’t mean Dallas (Mark Chesnutt, 1994). The first key to bringing maximum health to your marriage is to understand what the problem or problems might be.

If you’ve been divorced, this message isn’t meant to guilt you or put you down. I’m not trying to unscramble the egg. Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand … I get it… I’m talking about where you’re at right now. The marriage you find yourself in today. For those of you who are single, this will help you get some tools that will help you when you do get married. Not only that, these are helpful questions for any relationship.

I want you to answer the following three questions by writing down your response. Then later, I want you to talk to your spouse about it. This can help you diagnose what specific area or areas in your marriage that need attention. 

1. What is an unrealistic expectation you’ve had of your spouse?

When you take two very imperfect people and put them in a marriage, you don’t get a perfect marriage. But that doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be great! I don’t know many other areas in life where we have higher unrealistic expectations than we do in marriage. Even the dating process sets us up for disappointment. We say things we wouldn’t normally say, do things you wouldn’t normally do, and go places we wouldn’t normally go! Let’s take the honeymoon for example. You’re eating food you may never eat again, spending money you don’t typically spend, in a place you’ll probably never go back to. Fast forward 9 months and you’re looking at Mr. or Mrs. Bedhead with morning breath and noxious gasses and you’re wondering “What happened?!” 

2. What’s one difference you and your spouse have, that you’ve had a difficult time accepting?

We’ve all heard the saying, “opposites attract.” And once you’re married, “opposites attack!” We have to learn to accept our differences. Sure, we can work on them. But we shouldn’t resent one another for our differences. One of God’s main tools for spiritual growth is your marriage relationship. It’s a theological word called sanctification. He brings opposites together, man and woman, and we’ve got to figure it out. We’ve got to learn how to submit to one another, because of our reverence for Christ. 

3. Ask your spouse to name one unresolved issue in your marriage?

It might be finances, how to raise your children, sex … you may already know what they are going to say. But we need to have this conversation! This is the sensitive topic that brings out the claws, that repeatedly goes unresolved. Here’s the reality. Marriage doesn’t create so much problems as it does reveal them. And this is what we have to do … we have to start with ourselves. We need to turn to God and say, “What do I need to change about me?” Whenever a spouse is willing, the other spouse eventually comes around.

You may be reading this and thinking, Jeremy, you don’t know what they’ve done to me. And you’re right, I don’t. But I know what Christ has done for you. And because of what He did on the cross for you and I, despite what we have done, we too can forgive one another. Ephesians 5:21 says it like this … “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This is such an important statement. Out of reverence for Christ, your marriage is worth working on! Culture will tell you the grass is greener on the other side. But Christ wants you to know the grass is greener where you water it! On the 67 freeway in San Diego there’s a giant billboard right now that reads “Easy Divorce.” Let me tell you this, it’s really easy to divorce a spouse, it’s really hard to divorce your best friend. When we face these three questions out of reverence for Christ we will soon find our best friend and get off the road that leads to divorce. 

Can You Hear Me Now?

09 Wednesday Jun 2021

Posted by in Christian Habits, Marriage

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I’m so excited about the feedback we’ve been receiving during our Relationship Rehab series! I really do believe that the Word of God absolutely changes lives. Recently, we’ve heard several testimonies of how God’s Word has been changing marriages. In some of my recent blogs, Marriage Is Cake or The Sugar of Marriage, we touched on the first portion of this series, “Perfect Marriage.” This week I want to speak about “How to be heard.” How we speak to our spouses is so important for the trajectory of our marriages. Not only does this skill apply to marriages, but it will apply to any relationship!

Being Heard

When you love someone you pay attention. Love is attention. It costs much more than money. We can always get more money, but we can’t get more time. We are all allotted a certain amount of time. When you pay attention you are giving someone a piece of your life. It is a highly valued currency in our culture that we often neglect. We all hunger for the attention of our loved ones and when we don’t get it we may react in ways that do more harm than good.

Just as much as we want to be heard, we have to be willing to listen–especially to our spouses and loved ones. Thankfully, giving someone attention is a skill that can be learned. Here are three Bible verses to remember when wanting to be heard. 

1. Think Before You Speak!

 Proverbs 16:23

“Intelligent people think before they speak: what they say is then more persuasive.”

You may have heard this saying a thousand times, but did you know it was a Bible verse? Think before you speak!
 
If you actually take time to think about what you’re going to say before you bring up issues in a conversation, you’re going to have greater impact. So often, we think that if we get really emotional then our audience will understand how upset we are. But in reality, if you come at someone red in the face, emotion is THE ONLY thing that person sees and hears. We need to remember that when we’re having a big conversation, emotion is the enemy. You will also want to bring up your thoughts with God before you bring up an emotional conversation with your spouse. Consider what you’re going to say prayerfully, and you will have even greater impact!

2. Why Should Anyone Listen?

Ephesians 4:29

“(Speak) only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that may benefit those who listen.”

We’re often thinking of just ourselves when we speak or give others our attention. So then you may ask yourself “why should I put others first?” It’s very simple. Because of Jesus Christ. When we consider our reverence for Him, it makes us want to put others before ourselves…just like He did. Instead of subconsciously asking yourself, “Why am I listening to this” or “What’s in it for me,” start with their needs and ask yourself “What is in it for them?”
 
This applies to either side of the conversation. When you’re speaking, start with their needs. People typically connect to these three things when listening to what you’re saying: Things that could be threatening, things that are unique, and things that the listener values. If you want to be heard, start with the things that your audience values. When you consider their needs, you’re more likely to be heard.

3. Pick The Right Time.

Ecclesiastes 8:6

“For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter …”

The writer of Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a right time and a right way to do everything. We’re wasting our breath if we do not wait for the right moment to speak. You can have the happiest news in the world, but if your timing is off, it will fall on deaf ears. You might be ready … but ask yourself if your audience is ready. Are they tired, frustrated, or even hangry? Take your time to say what it is you want to say!

For example … have you ever wondered why we have worship music before the message on Sundays? When our services start, I’m FIRED up! But I know the timing of my message isn’t right until you’ve had a second to take a deep breath and relax in your seat. Participating in worship prepares our hearts for what God wants to speak into each of our lives specifically.

Application

It’s important that we don’t just acknowledge these things as “good biblical principles.” We need to apply the Word of God to our lives in all areas and that includes our marriages. It’s important to read the Bible as though it’s highly practical because it is! A lot of people stop reading the Bible because they assume the messages will go right over their heads. We forget that the Bible was given to us to use, remember, and to give us daily hope in our relationship with Jesus Christ.

Applying God’s Word to our lives draws us closer to Christ and tells Him that He has permission to do a work in us that we could not do ourselves. You may think your marriage is too far gone, but God’s not done with you yet! For more on “how to be heard,” join us in our Relationship Rehab series on Sundays in person or online at SkylineChurch.org.

How to be heard/How to Get Them To Listen/Relationship Rehab Sermon Series/Skyline Church

The Sugar Of Marriage

25 Tuesday May 2021

Posted by in Marriage

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At Skyline Church, we’re in a new teaching series called Relationship Rehab. While this series pertains to all relationships, the first two weeks have specifically pertained to marriage. We’ve acknowledged there are NO Perfect Marriages. While perfect marriages don’t exist, I’ve been using the illustration of six essential ingredients when making a cake that symbolize key ingredients to a sweeter marriage.


In my blog last week, “Marriage Is Cake“, I reviewed the first three ingredients: Communication, Consideration, and Compromise. You may take a look at that list and already know that those are some pretty hefty ingredients that could use some work in your day-to-day relationships. I want to invite you to read “Marriage Is Cake” before diving into “The Sugar Of Marriage.”

The Sugar Of Marriage

Contact is the sugar of a marriage relationship! Sugar is absolutely necessary when baking a cake and it’s absolutely a key ingredient to a sweeter marriage. As human beings, we’re not just spiritual, we’re physical! We need consistent physical contact.

Contact At A New Low

During COVID we’ve drifted away from the natural human need of physical contact in all of our relationships, not just our marriages. Culturally, we’ve become less socially accepting of high fives, friendly hugs, handshakes, and all because people are living in fear. We’ve seen divorce, depression, alcoholism, and suicide rates rise while the death rate for COVID remains less than 1%. Culture is pushing us over the cliff of irrational fear. Our social skills are decreasing and so are our interpersonal skills with those we love the most. It’s no surprise that our lack of socialization and human contact are affecting our marriages.

We NEED affection in our marriages. Remember when you first started dating your spouse and you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Now, we use that old excuse of not “feeling” affectionate. Here’s the thing folks … feelings always follow behavior. That’s why when we’re dating it’s important to save sex for marriage. Why? Because feelings grow much deeper when we act on those intimate impulses. Feelings followed behavior when you were dating and they follow behavior now. If you’re not “feeling affectionate” … you gotta bake it ’til you make it! Just like baking a cake takes time and effort, you gotta be intentional about what ingredients you’re putting into your marriage. Once we’re married, we can’t let a day go by without expressing affection for our mate. In order to have a thriving marriage, not just a surviving marriage, we have to have physical contact. 


1 Corinthians 7:3 says it in this way, “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.”


Yes, the Bible talks about sex. A lot actually. And so should we. Have a discussion with your spouse about sex and physical contact, and ask yourselves where you fall on a 1-10 scale (1 being needs work and 10 being on track).

Courting

How physical contact is achieved is different to each spouse. Here’s the thing with men, we’re typically goal-oriented. Not all men, but generally this is a guy thing. When a man is pursuing a woman, he does a lot of things he doesn’t normally do. He’ll go through great lengths to reel in a woman he’s set his eyes and heart on. But the moment the wedding is over, he subconsciously reaches a mindset of … “Mission Accomplished!” He’s on to the next goal. And the NEXT goal, is providing for his wife and this growing family that he loves so much. Away goes the roses, candy, opera, and whatever tasks he performed to win over the woman he pursued. Providing for the family is often how a husband believes they are ultimately demonstrating love to their spouse. 

However, we have to acknowledge that the key to consistent physical contact is consistent courting. I’m trying to stick to “C” words throughout this series to make these ingredients easy to remember, but courting is very simply dating with intentionality. Dating your spouse will present opportunities for physical contact to thrive in your marriage. A brush of the shoulder, holding hands, kiss on the cheek… all these moments might have seemed like flirting when you first started dating, but they are all still very necessary in your marriage. If you and your spouse have drifted apart and are not seeing contact flourish in your marriage, courting is going to help you revive those intimate feelings you once experienced when dating. 

Caution

1 Corinthians 6:16, “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact …” (MSG).

Sex is meant to draw two people together in a profound way that we may not realize at first. It’s spiritually bonding. The more we abstain from coming together sexually in our marriages, the more room we make for the enemy to divide our marriage. As we know, the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He’ll bring temptation through outside relationships, pornography, and many other crafty ways. Porn specifically is an issue across the board for women almost as much as men. Pornography is a drug that will ruin your marriage. It is addicting and devastating to marriages.

Come Together

So here’s what I want you to do. Communicate where you are in your marriage when it comes to contact. Be compassionate with your spouse and what he or she has to say. Compromise a way to get back on track. If your spouse says I think we’re at a 6, the appropriate response is … What will it take to get to a 10? This conversation isn’t meant to turn into a fight, to prove a side, dig up the past, or anything other than moving forward.   We all know there are ups and downs in every relationship. There are NO Perfect Marriages. Take this conversation seriously, don’t take it lightly. No one wants a cake without sugar, and no one wants a marriage without contact.

To learn more about the last two ingredients to a sweeter marriage, you can join us in this teaching series on the Skyline YouTube Channel.