Category Archives: Christian Habits

Are You Willing To Forgive?

24 Tuesday Aug 2021

Posted by in Challenge, Christian Habits, Marriage

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Even in the most perfect of relationships, there are going to be conflicts. You’re never going to agree on everything with someone, even if they are your best friend. My wife, Janie, doesn’t like country music. THAT represents a major sin in her life! And … I forgive her for that. There are a thousand things we have to compromise on in our marriages and in our relationships with others. But one thing that we should never compromise is our willingness to forgive one another. 

Last Sunday, in our Relationship Rehab series we talked about the importance of practicing forgiveness. Notice I said “practicing.” It takes practicing forgiveness to be a good forgiver!

For the last few weeks, we’ve discussed Affair-Proofing Our Marriages, 3 Questions For Every Marriage, How To Get Them To Listen, Being a Single Christian, and more.

While marriage is the primary school to learn unselfishness, we know that all relationships require forgiveness. Proverbs 18:1 says it like this, “People who do not get along with others are only interested in themselves.” When a relationship lacks forgiveness, there is an issue of selfishness that needs to be addressed. I want you to rate yourself on a scale of one to ten, one being needs work and ten being you quickly and willingly forgive. 

If you always have to get your way, you’re destroying your relationships with others. Mark 3:25 tells us that these types of relationships are bound to fall apart. We have to learn to give in. It can’t be my way or the highway all the time. If you’re currently struggling in a relationship with a friend or loved one, I want to encourage you to forgive them. I don’t need to know your exact situation to know that withholding forgiveness is hurting you. We forget that forgiving others is FOR us. 

The scenario is similar every time. We get angry about what someone did to us and we let it build up. If not dealt with anger turns to bitterness and bitterness leads to apathy which always leads to a lack of consideration. And you guessed it … lack of consideration reveals an unwillingness to forgive.

How’s Your Forgiving Going? 

There needs to be boatloads of forgiveness in your relationships. You are imperfect. Your spouse, co-worker, friend, neighbor, siblings, fellow drivers, or whomever you are at odds with … is imperfect. I’ve heard some incredibly hurtful situations and I don’t doubt that this may be difficult for you … but … “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13). Even Jesus said that if you cannot forgive others, God isn’t going to forgive you. 
As we conclude our Relationship Rehab Series, I want to leave you with this verse of encouragement that is my prayer for you, “May God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us … “ Romans 15:5 (MSG). I pray that you ask yourself today if you’re willing to forgive “that someone,” as Christ forgave you. 

An Invite Can Change A Life

11 Wednesday Aug 2021

Posted by in Christian Habits, Decisions For Christ, mission, Oikos, purpose driven, Salvation

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What is Salvation and How Does Someone Get It?

Salvation is very simply the free gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. If we accept this free gift we are spared eternal separation from God. Although salvation is purely based on God’s grace, He chooses to use people like you and me as channels of that grace.

In Colossians 2:6-8, it says, “So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ.”

When we admit our need for Christ and we believe that Jesus died for our sins and rose again to save us … we gain salvation, which is to be eternally connected to our Creator and Lord. We do not gain a religion or a ritual, but a real relationship with the Lord of the universe. A real relationship that has changed billions of lives including mine. So, why hasn’t this “real” relationship changed the lives of those in your Oikos? (more on that later).

Why Is Jesus The Answer For You?

As we cling to our hope in Jesus, we also need to share our hope with others. In the past year we’ve talked about how essential church is because we ALL need hope to cope … maybe now more than ever. While hope is in demand, there is by no means a short supply. Not only is there more than enough grace, but it is sufficient even when you feel unworthy (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Who in your life needs to hear about the hope you have in Jesus Christ? Why is Jesus the answer for you? It’s not a trick question. Your story matters to God! That’s why He uses us to reach others. At Skyline Church, we believe that God has supernaturally and strategically positioned every one of us to share the “Good News” about Jesus. On average, we all have 8-15 people in our Oikos. “Oikos” is a Greek word in the Bible that means “relational network.”  It means to share the Good News with your friends, family members, grocery clerk, gym buddy, neighbor, etc.

These 8-15 people are the ones you come in contact with regularly that may not have put their trust in Jesus … yet. This is how the Kingdom of God is built.  It isn’t by standing on the corner with a megaphone and a sign yelling at people to “Turn or Burn.” Not only is that impersonal, but the one yelling can come off as a real jerk. The Bible doesn’t tell us to act like jerks. Rather, it tells us to be more like Jesus, which means loving people right where they are in life. I want to encourage you to invite them to Skyline Church this weekend and let them decide for themselves if God’s message is true that there’s no perfect people allowed. Because no matter where they’ve been or what they’ve done, they will be welcomed. Romans 15:7 says, “So warmly welcome each other into the church, just as Christ has warmly welcomed you; then God will be glorified.”

Never forget, an invite can change a life. I’ll never forget my friend Mark inviting me to baseball chapel. My entire life began to change after that invitation. You just never know what the Holy Spirit might be whispering to people’s hearts when you come along and extend an invitation.

An Invite Can Change A Life

You may be thinking, “Pastor, they’re going to say no if I invite them to church.” And I’d say, that’s okay, invite them anyway. This world is full of difficulty and hardships and people have put their hope in a lot of things that haven’t lived up to their expectations. People are tired of being let down. While we know and have experienced that Jesus is the ONLY one that is WORTH putting our hope in, others are still coming around and it may take more time. Many times it takes more than one invitation for a person to say “yes.”  Whether you’re the first or the eleventh person to invite them, or somewhere in between … God isn’t done with them yet, and it’s only a matter of time before they say “YES!”  If they have a pulse, God still has a purpose for their life. Their story matters to God and it matters to us. We hope this weekend they say “yes.”  But don’t let a “no” discourage you into thinking they will never experience the blessings you have in your faith and salvation. God has something incredible planned for their life and you can be a part of that story by simply extending a welcoming invitation.   Because truly, an invite can change a life.

Three Questions for Every Marriage

14 Wednesday Jul 2021

Posted by in Challenge, Christian Habits, Marriage

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Since the anticipation of and the day of your wedding gave you some of the highest expectations you’ve ever had in your life … like, “Woo hoo … I’m getting married, my life is going to be perfect … this is the moment I’ve been waiting for …”  

The expectations we put on that day and the days and years after set us up for the greatest potential of disappointment in our lives. We set the highest and most unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our spouses. 

Why do marriages go south? Let’s talk about some habits that tend to lead to divorce. These are unhealthy habits that put you on the road to the big D and I don’t mean Dallas (Mark Chesnutt, 1994). The first key to bringing maximum health to your marriage is to understand what the problem or problems might be.

If you’ve been divorced, this message isn’t meant to guilt you or put you down. I’m not trying to unscramble the egg. Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand … I get it… I’m talking about where you’re at right now. The marriage you find yourself in today. For those of you who are single, this will help you get some tools that will help you when you do get married. Not only that, these are helpful questions for any relationship.

I want you to answer the following three questions by writing down your response. Then later, I want you to talk to your spouse about it. This can help you diagnose what specific area or areas in your marriage that need attention. 

1. What is an unrealistic expectation you’ve had of your spouse?

When you take two very imperfect people and put them in a marriage, you don’t get a perfect marriage. But that doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be great! I don’t know many other areas in life where we have higher unrealistic expectations than we do in marriage. Even the dating process sets us up for disappointment. We say things we wouldn’t normally say, do things you wouldn’t normally do, and go places we wouldn’t normally go! Let’s take the honeymoon for example. You’re eating food you may never eat again, spending money you don’t typically spend, in a place you’ll probably never go back to. Fast forward 9 months and you’re looking at Mr. or Mrs. Bedhead with morning breath and noxious gasses and you’re wondering “What happened?!” 

2. What’s one difference you and your spouse have, that you’ve had a difficult time accepting?

We’ve all heard the saying, “opposites attract.” And once you’re married, “opposites attack!” We have to learn to accept our differences. Sure, we can work on them. But we shouldn’t resent one another for our differences. One of God’s main tools for spiritual growth is your marriage relationship. It’s a theological word called sanctification. He brings opposites together, man and woman, and we’ve got to figure it out. We’ve got to learn how to submit to one another, because of our reverence for Christ. 

3. Ask your spouse to name one unresolved issue in your marriage?

It might be finances, how to raise your children, sex … you may already know what they are going to say. But we need to have this conversation! This is the sensitive topic that brings out the claws, that repeatedly goes unresolved. Here’s the reality. Marriage doesn’t create so much problems as it does reveal them. And this is what we have to do … we have to start with ourselves. We need to turn to God and say, “What do I need to change about me?” Whenever a spouse is willing, the other spouse eventually comes around.

You may be reading this and thinking, Jeremy, you don’t know what they’ve done to me. And you’re right, I don’t. But I know what Christ has done for you. And because of what He did on the cross for you and I, despite what we have done, we too can forgive one another. Ephesians 5:21 says it like this … “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This is such an important statement. Out of reverence for Christ, your marriage is worth working on! Culture will tell you the grass is greener on the other side. But Christ wants you to know the grass is greener where you water it! On the 67 freeway in San Diego there’s a giant billboard right now that reads “Easy Divorce.” Let me tell you this, it’s really easy to divorce a spouse, it’s really hard to divorce your best friend. When we face these three questions out of reverence for Christ we will soon find our best friend and get off the road that leads to divorce. 

Avoiding Burn Out

15 Tuesday Jun 2021

Posted by in Burnout, Christian Habits, Church Leadership, comfort, leadership, mission, purpose driven, Resources & Articles, retreat

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No matter who you are or what city, state, or country you live in, you are allotted a maximum of 168 hours a week that comes in 24 hour segments called days and adds up to 7 days a week. Yet, if you’re like me, our to-do lists are never-ending and rest always appears just out of reach. 

As the Lead Pastor at Skyline Church, I’ve definitely been trying to sprint a marathon and rest has been just out of reach. Quite often, being a pastor requires twenty-four-hour availability. A pastor is never truly “off.” And the problem is … I LOVE IT.

Maybe you feel this way too? Whether your work, family, volunteering, finances, or even social media make you feel like you always have to be “on,” you’re struggling to find rest. Today I want to focus on characteristics of burnout. I’ll mainly focus on pastors but these principles apply to anyone who is sprinting the marathon of life.

Studies report that 90% of pastors do not retire from the ministry; rather they burn out, quit, or have a moral failure. This is shocking, particularly in light of Jesus’ words, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” 

The Battle Begins With the Pastor

The health and vitality of churches is dependent upon the health and vitality of pastors. The statistics mentioned below are so alarming that they cannot be ignored. There’s a clear correlation between the declining health of pastors and the declining health of churches. These statistics are before COVID, so we can imagine it is even worse now.

  • 50% of ministers starting out will not last 5 years.
  • 1 out of every 10 ministers will actually retire as a minister in some form.
  • 4,000 new churches begin each year and 7,000 churches close.
  • Over 1,700 pastors leave the ministry every month.
  • Over 3,500 people a day decide to leave their church.

Those statistics are hard to swallow but the truth is the truth. Pastors seem to view ministry like a sprint instead of a marathon, thus we may not even recognize that we’re on the road to burnout as we strive to reach our goals, aspirations, and purpose. However, we often find ourselves sprinting towards workaholism, depression, fatigue, and various other health and moral issues.

How we prioritize our life is seen in where we put our time and energy. All aspects of life demand our attention, but where are you placing your focus? I recognize that even in the church there’s this invisible force conditioning us to overwork, not take breaks, vacations, or sabbaticals. Recognizing this is very important because a lack of personal renewal leads to spiritual dryness and burnout. 

Identifying Characteristics of Pastoral Burnout

After extensive research in my doctoral studies, I have found the following three characteristics identify common signs of burnout in pastors. 

Characteristics and Solutions to Burnout

1. Lack of Rest and Recreation

Have you experienced the unwritten rule that you need to work harder, longer, and move at a faster pace than anyone else? The first and most common characteristic of burnout is a lack of rest. Many of us do not have proper boundaries in place to protect our time. Our heart to serve causes us to want to be the good guy or the one the congregation can always count on. However, it is this heart to serve and help others that becomes a double-edged sword. Being “on” all the time comes at a high price. The first thing to go is rest and recreation. 
Many pastors and leaders thrive off the adrenaline rush that ministry can provide. We become addicted to being busy and working tirelessly. For this reason, it’s important to schedule in rest before our calendar fills up. If rest is not scheduled, it can easily get pushed to the bottom of the list of priorities. When it comes to the issue of scheduling the time, there is really only one person responsible for making this happen. No matter how busy a person may be, that responsible person is none other than the one in the mirror. However, it seems we would rather entertain the need to feel like an indispensable busy body. News flash … everyone is indeed replaceable.

Solution: The importance of taking time to rest, reflect, and refuel cannot be overstated. To get good rest means to disconnect entirely, to have none of your regular work/pastoral responsibilities, and if necessary to get out of town far enough away that if there is a crisis you couldn’t do anything about it. Although getting out of town may not always be possible every single week, it’s important to do so at least annually. Schedule at least one or two times a year where you get out of town for consecutive days or weeks. You’ll be amazed at how much relief you feel as you drive or fly out of the stress zone towards your vacation destination.

Now, I’m not talking to lazy people here. There are lazy pastors and lazy people in all vocations.  And while lazy people will always exist and always try to manipulate the benevolent time off or vacation system set up in their particular place of work, rest is necessary for those overworking and sprinting too hard. So, start by scheduling an annual getaway.

That’s the big picture, but what about the weekly grind? On a weekly basis, it may be just a day or two a week where the phone is turned off and the email is not checked and rest and recuperation are the main focus of that day. To get the rest we need, we need to have boundaries and not let people encroach or break down those boundaries. We cannot fall into the trap of thinking that we can or need to do everything. The church actually becomes less healthy and less of a biblical church community when ministry is not shared among believers (see Ephesians 4).

2. Discouragement

A second characteristic of burnout is the feeling of discouragement. Discouragement can come in many forms, though mainly through conflict, criticism, and division within the church. It should be no surprise that the average pastoral tenure is between three and four years. That’s just about the time the honeymoon is over and people begin to feel comfortable enough to let the pastor know how they really feel.

Maybe you’ve experienced criticism while serving in your church. When criticism is levied, pastors may not feel like addressing the issue. One may feel it is more Jesus-like to simply “turn the other cheek” for fear of offending someone. This only adds to the discouragement, and this is not the Jesus way. Jesus confronted and he even offended. Jesus said, “It is impossible that no offenses should come.” On many occasions, Jesus confronted those who needed it, especially the Pharisees. We all need to love those in our church enough to speak the truth and when necessary confront the critic or the creator of the conflict.

When discouragement piles up, it becomes difficult for us to see the vision God has for a given ministry. At Skyline Church, our staff and leaders are constantly reminding one another and keeping the vision for our church in front of us. It’s necessary for this reason: Complaints speak louder than compliments. You may receive fifteen compliments and one complaint about the same topic, and the complaint is the one we remember. It’s unfortunate yet it is human nature. 

Criticism often leads to conflict and conflict is one of the main reasons for discouragement. Enough discouragement and anyone is tempted to throw their hands up in defeat, wondering if it is really worth the trouble. This discouragement leaves us feeling like we can never live up to the expectations set before us.

Solution: One of the primary ways to defeat discouragement is through what has already been stated in scheduling rest and recreation. This is of great importance in having a renewed mind and heart and being ready to fight the good fight. However, there are many other ways to defeat discouragement.

One of the most effective ways is to connect with other people who are in the same boat as you. Some of our healthiest leaders at Skyline Church are connected in one way or another to a support group with people within or outside our own congregation. It’s important to be around others who have no expectations of you. This can give us a sense of realness and relief that we’re not regularly experiencing.

This is one way to turn the “on” dial way down when we’re unable to take that annual get away just yet. It’s important to share your burdens, expectations, and pressures with others who are in a similar position. I guarantee that doing life in community with others will bring you encouragement and refreshment.

3. Unrealistic Expectations

We are often our own worst enemy. Having the heart to serve and please people can backfire when we’re just not able to live up to our own lofty expectations. Saying no is a challenge for a lot of people. We may even know in the back of our mind that no one is limitless, yet we tend to act otherwise. You are not superhuman. In fact, it’s good practice to confess your limitations. 

The Lord is the only limitless One. Realizing this frees us to be who we are meant to be in life and in ministry. Every human being is limited, on purpose and for a purpose. We must remember to acknowledge our limits as pastors, leaders, volunteers, parents, co-workers … you name it. People demand much of us because they are used to, or expecting to get what they want. Unrealistic expectations ultimately lead to burnout.

Solution: Remember this … when you say “yes” to everything, you’re actually saying “no” to something. Ask yourself what you’re saying “no” to. Is it your physical health, mental health, family, another opportunity? 

Burn Out Prevention

I’ll leave you with this analogy … it’s no secret that injury prevention is key in sports. Professional sports teams spend millions of dollars on injury prevention for their athletes. They know the investment means keeping the player in the game. They view their work as vital to helping an athlete make it through the long season uninjured thereby giving the team the greatest chance to succeed. This concept can also be applied to the “sport” of ministry. 

The reality is that more and more people are entering the marathon of ministry, yet only a few finish the race well. This is very discouraging for the church and the mission of helping people find and follow Jesus seven days a week. Many will avoid this race because it is just too hazardous an occupation! However, there is hope. Burnout is absolutely preventable! Just as injury prevention is key in professional sports, injury prevention is key in thriving in ministry.

Saved People Serve People

After a very long sprint of doing ministry, I’m excited to take a break. Merging Seven San Diego Church and Skyline Church only to turn around and face the most unprecedented year of challenges with crazy COVID rules and regulations … that really set a tone for sprinting this marathon of ministry life. I am thankful that we opened, faced the pressure from the County, shouted our stance from the rooftops to the media, politicians and anyone else who wanted to know. We stayed open and served people all year and we will continue to do so. 

We’ve built some great momentum (we’ve added over 2,500 new people every Sunday taking us over 5,200 people in average attendance last month). We’ve overcome some incredible obstacles and strengthened our Pastoral Team with God’s leading and blessing over the course of the past few years. 

I’m confident that spiritual fruit will continue to grow while I am away for this short vacation. While no physical, mental, or spiritual injuries have occurred, I know that rest is the next best step for me to take as your lead pastor at Skyline Church … even though I LOVE THE SPRINT … but I know I need to prepare for the marathon, not just the sprint. For the next few weeks, I will be taking some time off from my regular pastoral duties to fully unplug and recharge. Our outstanding pastoral team and staff will be here to take care of any and all needs you may have.

One of the core values of Skyline Church is “Saved People Serve People.” This is part of the DNA of Skyline Church. We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus! As we look to the future, we believe God has a tremendous vision and plan for Skyline Church. This plan will require that our core members assist in serving our new body of believers with the ultimate goal of living out our purpose of “Helping people find and follow Jesus seven days a week.” 

For those who are stepping more and more into ministry by serving with their time and gifts, it is important to identify common characteristics of burnout AND then adhering to the solutions mentioned above. We value you and your walk with the Lord and want you to stay rested, encouraged, and fulfilled in serving the great commission. This will not only help ministries survive the marathon but thrive all the way through the finish line.

Can You Hear Me Now?

09 Wednesday Jun 2021

Posted by in Christian Habits, Marriage

≈ 1 Comment

I’m so excited about the feedback we’ve been receiving during our Relationship Rehab series! I really do believe that the Word of God absolutely changes lives. Recently, we’ve heard several testimonies of how God’s Word has been changing marriages. In some of my recent blogs, Marriage Is Cake or The Sugar of Marriage, we touched on the first portion of this series, “Perfect Marriage.” This week I want to speak about “How to be heard.” How we speak to our spouses is so important for the trajectory of our marriages. Not only does this skill apply to marriages, but it will apply to any relationship!

Being Heard

When you love someone you pay attention. Love is attention. It costs much more than money. We can always get more money, but we can’t get more time. We are all allotted a certain amount of time. When you pay attention you are giving someone a piece of your life. It is a highly valued currency in our culture that we often neglect. We all hunger for the attention of our loved ones and when we don’t get it we may react in ways that do more harm than good.

Just as much as we want to be heard, we have to be willing to listen–especially to our spouses and loved ones. Thankfully, giving someone attention is a skill that can be learned. Here are three Bible verses to remember when wanting to be heard. 

1. Think Before You Speak!

 Proverbs 16:23

“Intelligent people think before they speak: what they say is then more persuasive.”

You may have heard this saying a thousand times, but did you know it was a Bible verse? Think before you speak!
 
If you actually take time to think about what you’re going to say before you bring up issues in a conversation, you’re going to have greater impact. So often, we think that if we get really emotional then our audience will understand how upset we are. But in reality, if you come at someone red in the face, emotion is THE ONLY thing that person sees and hears. We need to remember that when we’re having a big conversation, emotion is the enemy. You will also want to bring up your thoughts with God before you bring up an emotional conversation with your spouse. Consider what you’re going to say prayerfully, and you will have even greater impact!

2. Why Should Anyone Listen?

Ephesians 4:29

“(Speak) only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that may benefit those who listen.”

We’re often thinking of just ourselves when we speak or give others our attention. So then you may ask yourself “why should I put others first?” It’s very simple. Because of Jesus Christ. When we consider our reverence for Him, it makes us want to put others before ourselves…just like He did. Instead of subconsciously asking yourself, “Why am I listening to this” or “What’s in it for me,” start with their needs and ask yourself “What is in it for them?”
 
This applies to either side of the conversation. When you’re speaking, start with their needs. People typically connect to these three things when listening to what you’re saying: Things that could be threatening, things that are unique, and things that the listener values. If you want to be heard, start with the things that your audience values. When you consider their needs, you’re more likely to be heard.

3. Pick The Right Time.

Ecclesiastes 8:6

“For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter …”

The writer of Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a right time and a right way to do everything. We’re wasting our breath if we do not wait for the right moment to speak. You can have the happiest news in the world, but if your timing is off, it will fall on deaf ears. You might be ready … but ask yourself if your audience is ready. Are they tired, frustrated, or even hangry? Take your time to say what it is you want to say!

For example … have you ever wondered why we have worship music before the message on Sundays? When our services start, I’m FIRED up! But I know the timing of my message isn’t right until you’ve had a second to take a deep breath and relax in your seat. Participating in worship prepares our hearts for what God wants to speak into each of our lives specifically.

Application

It’s important that we don’t just acknowledge these things as “good biblical principles.” We need to apply the Word of God to our lives in all areas and that includes our marriages. It’s important to read the Bible as though it’s highly practical because it is! A lot of people stop reading the Bible because they assume the messages will go right over their heads. We forget that the Bible was given to us to use, remember, and to give us daily hope in our relationship with Jesus Christ.

Applying God’s Word to our lives draws us closer to Christ and tells Him that He has permission to do a work in us that we could not do ourselves. You may think your marriage is too far gone, but God’s not done with you yet! For more on “how to be heard,” join us in our Relationship Rehab series on Sundays in person or online at SkylineChurch.org.

How to be heard/How to Get Them To Listen/Relationship Rehab Sermon Series/Skyline Church